


Not Gay

by TheSleeplessWriter



Series: Johnlock [12]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Child Abuse, Drabble, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Sex, Internalized Homophobia, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 07:23:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12164208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSleeplessWriter/pseuds/TheSleeplessWriter
Summary: Why John always insisted he was "Not Gay".





	Not Gay

John hesitated the first time he and Sherlock had sex.

It was late at night and both were leaned against the wall of Sherlock's bedroom. Their breathing was heavy in between the heated kisses and needy embraces. Sherlock slid his hand underneath John's jumper, caressing his chest. Skin. He wanted skin, contact. John sighed in pleasure and kissed a trail down Sherlock's lips to his sharp jawline, settling near his neck and sucking on the tender skin. Sherlock sucked in a breath, his grip on John's waist tightening fervently. Just as their clothes were being tossed to the floor carelessly, John stopped. His face was flushed and his body prickled with sweat. This was all going so fast, only this morning did they confess their feelings towards each other.

"Can we stop for a second?" John said, backing away. He rubbed at his eyes with his palms. Sherlock looked a bit disappointed   
but took his hands off John. His eyes were wide and his full lips were red from kissing. A hickey was already forming on his neck. Adorable was a word John would never have thought to use when describing Sherlock, but found himself using. 

Sherlock narrowed his eyes as he gazed at John, trying to deduce him. "You're nervous. Why?"

John nodded his head once. "You've probably already figured it out."

"I'd rather hear you say it." Sherlock said, sitting down on the edge of his bed. He had some small clues, but wanted to hear the full version. John joined him on the bed, stretching out his arms.

"It's just, you know. I've never, never-" John was cut off as Sherlock finished his sentence.

"Never had sex with a man. That's not a problem, I've never had sex with anyone."

"Yeah..." John's voice trailed off as he looked to the hardwood floor. Everything he was doing right now was contradicting against   
what he had been taught. 

"You're doing nothing wrong. There's nothing to be ashamed of." Sherlock said in as kind a voice as he could muster, rubbing John's shoulder.

John looked at Sherlock square in the face. "I was fourteen when my dad caught me kissing the neighbor behind the shed. You know what he did? Hit me round the head a few times, screamed in my face. Told me he wouldn't let me be gay."

Sherlock's eyes immediately softened in sympathy, wrapping his arms around John as if it could make the bad memories go away. He hadn't quite expected this.

"He hit me e-everyday for two weeks. Always so drunk you couldn't believe he was still standing. Left so many bruises I wore long sleeves in 26 degree weather. After every time, he asked me if I was gay. And I'd have to look him in the eye and say "No, sir. I am not gay.'" John's words stumbled as he remembered the horrific incident. He shuddered and leaned more into Sherlock's touch. Enough time had passed that he could think of the memory without his throat closing up and his eyes stinging with tears. 

He was a skinny, short boy with pale blonde hair that always fell in his dark blue eyes. Oh, how he wished he could have been more like Harry. She was clever, knew how to sneak around her girlfriends without anyone else knowing. He remembered the way he covered his face with his thin wrists, begging his Da to stop. The nasty smell of cheap beer breath would haunt him forever. His not yet deep voice cried out, insisting he didn't know what he was doing, insisting he wasn't gay. 

"After that, I always felt I had to correct people, tell them I was "not gay". Couldn't stand someone thinking I was. But, look where I am now." John said, gesturing to the dark room. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind from the ugly thoughts. He had told his story and now never wanted to remember it again. 

"But you're not gay." Sherlock stated in a very matter-of-fact tone. 

"I'm in a relationship with you, aren't I?" John said with a small smile, and he couldn't help but feel a bit of nervousness at the idea. He was now in a relationship with a man. A man. Albeit, a wonderful, slightly mad one, but a man nonetheless. Even though his father had been dead and buried for ten years, the self-internalized homophobia that had been drilled in his head would be hard to forget. 

"Still, you've had several relationships with women." Sherlock pointed out. He had seen many women come and go from the flat, and didn't know how many existed before that. "Were you attracted to them?"

John lifted an eyebrow at the word several before speaking."Yes, I suppose I was."

"Then you are bisexual." Sherlock turned his face to John's and kissed him on the temple. "So you go tell the nosy pricks that you are not gay, but bisexual. I don't really care, as long as you come and join me in bed." Sherlock then climbed into the sheets with John following. Sherlock's hands slowly slid up and down his body in a teasing manner. John didn't hesitate so much after that.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was a quick little writing exercise before I work on other fics. I hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to leave constructive criticism. Kudos and comments are always appreciated :)


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